i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
