you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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