When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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