I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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