My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
