no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
