also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
