My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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