I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
