Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
