mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
