Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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