Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
