i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
