Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
