I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
