If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
