Princesses don't give blow jobs
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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