Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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