I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Randomize
