Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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