I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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