i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
