I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
