I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
