I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
