He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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