why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
