Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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