Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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