every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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