my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
