please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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