i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
