i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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