My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
