as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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