so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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