Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
