So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
