my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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