When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
