my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
