I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
