Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
