Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
