cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
