I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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