The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
