I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize