I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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