there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
