I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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