Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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