I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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