did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
