the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Less talking, more tequila
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
