He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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