i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
this must be what syphilis tastes like
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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