if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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