she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
