The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize