We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
